Mental Health Matters

Life is hard. 

So hard. Sometimes it messes with your head and you can't seem to figure out which way is up. Some people go through horrendous experiences and are fine, others are scarred. Some people have led perfectly normal lives but struggle to cope with day to days things. It never seems to make sense to me, there isn't always an explanation for how you feel. That is the most frustrating part.

This leads me into my disclaimer: Everyone is different and the things we go through cannot be compared. This is my story, mine and only mine. Please do not compare this to your personal experiences and feelings. I hope that this blog will serve as my way of expressing who I am, but also a way of showing you that you are not alone. If I can help anyone in anyway I have achieved what I set out to do. 

Loneliness, self loathing and frustration. 

From an early age I felt as though I couldn't possibly fit in, nobody could love me. I remember feeling uncomfortable in my skin, like I was an intruder. I would look at myself and find fault; I was fat in my head but my 6 year old body was average for a child. Friends would so quickly turn into enemies and I would always blame myself. It's my fault that they don't like me, I am the one that isn't normal. I would try to buy their friendship, anything to try and feel less alone. I just wanted people to love me like I could love them. It's only now I am older and I have had the opportunity to speak to my family that I know that I was loved, loved more than anything. It is comforting to be able to speak to my family and friends so openly and have them understand how I felt at the time. 

Young me - This is around the age I started to feel lonely
and would be conscious of how I looked. 

These feelings continued through my childhood and into my teenage years with no sign disappearing. In fact they got worse. I was bullied continuously throughout secondary school, by people that were younger than me no less. As a 16 year old I would walk through the school corridors and students from other years would shout "FAT WHALE" at me. I was scared to walk down the corridor at school, I would do anything to try and dodge them. I started to believe everything that they used to tell me. I have actually blocked a lot of my experience out because it hurt so much but I can't block out the feeling that I have when I think about that time in my life. Even now, when I think about it or even re-visit where I used to live, my heart beats faster and I get that same feeling a dread in the pit of my stomach.  

I had always had a strange relationship with food. 

As a baby I had a food intolerance meaning I had quite a restrictive diet and I always had an affliction for anything sweet or "naughty" (who doesn't eh?!). As I started to struggle more I would turn to food. I would spend all of my school money on sweets before school and then get IOU's for muffins and lunch but it was all a secret that kept to myself. Once I reached sixth form I had the freedom of being able to leave school during the day and buy any food I wanted. This is when the weight started creeping on more and more. At the time I didn't realise that eating was a coping mechanism. One that I relied very heavily on. 

Over the next few years I ballooned quite quickly and ended up being 16 stone. By this time I was completely and utterly obsessed with food and I was at an all time low. I was struggling with anxiety and depression and couldn't see anyway that my life would ever be any better. The negative associations I had with myself were well and truly cemented in my brain. Throughout my life I have been through multiple courses of counselling and had significant lengths of time on anti-depressants. Sometimes I felt I could cope with life and managed to sort of get my shit together! In 2016 I managed to lose a lot of weight and I felt amazing. I could finally start to express who I really was and I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I was able to express myself through the clothes that I loved and the confidence I felt made me feel like I was on top of the world. 

I decided on a change of career.

This is what set in motion the slow decline of my life that has bought me to who I am today. I decided to join the police and in 2016 I found out that I had been successful. I started my training to become a police officer and this meant moving to a different county away from the man I love. Right from the offset I struggled more than I had anticipated, the training was intense and it was very out of my comfort zone. I have always been passionate about helping people but I was the type of person who shied away from any form of confrontation. So naturally the role of a police officer is one that was not completely natural for me. I pushed through the hard times and kept my feelings under control. At least I thought I did. 

29.09.2017 - The day of my passing out from training school

At some point a switch flipped and all of a sudden I found that I couldn't cope with the anxiety I felt whilst on shift and I started to dread going to work. I became terrified of putting my uniform on when not so long ago I had been proud to wear it. There wasn't a reason behind my sudden change in ability to cope. It just happened. I became more and more reserved and although the lights were on, nobody was at home. I would spend all my time at home on my own in my pajamas and I would not cook or clean. I would lie down and not move or talk to a single person for four days solid. I would order food to my door so I didn't have to cook. I would wake up for work, put on my mask and go to do my job. I was a shell working in autopilot whilst I hid away in the dark depths of mind. Food was the only thing I had to turn to that gave me any form of comfort. Things got so bad that I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see how my life would be any better. I had spent 23 years of my life suffering and I couldn't take anymore. I just wanted it to stop. 

I had reached my lowest point .

From this point the only way my life could go was up. I decided to leave the police force and start again. I moved back to the north west and I got a new job working as a Quality Engineer for a big science based company that was recommended by my best friend. It was a big risk to leave it all and start again but within a few weeks I started to feel more like myself again. As time went on I found myself opening up to my colleagues about my struggles with depression and my eating issues and I found that the support was amazing. The team I was working with, especially my team leader, encouraged me to seek help. And I did. 

Two years later I have progressed through the company and been promoted into another department. I have made a name for myself; people know they can rely on me and I am good at my job. What people don't know is that I have taken Sertraline everyday for the past two years, I even tried to come off once but I wasn't ready. I have been having therapy over the past year after having my binge eating disorder officially diagnosed. All of this has been going on whilst succeeding in my career and gaining the recognition I deserve. I am in a much better place than I was two years ago but I still struggle daily with my eating disorder and as a result my weight. 

I will struggle with it every day for the rest of my life, only now I know I can manage it better. Now I know that I have a support system that cares for me. I am now in recovery and it is a long road, but it's a road I hope I can share with you.  

If you take anything at all from my story its this: 

You are not alone, everybody has something they struggle with no matter how big or small. Your mental health matters so open up and talk with someone about how you feel and whatever you do... never feel ashamed!